we feel freedom when our emotions are free.

our souls crave for intimacy, passion, romance, affection, relationships. we tend to find these things in all the hollow, empty places. in people, objects, and circumstances that we may feel would complete us, would make us whole. we never realize they are hollow and empty until we end up being failed, cheated on, hopelessly addicted; our hearts broken, crushed, spat on, trampled to the ground.

so we put up walls. walls around our hearts designed to keep ourselves from getting hurt. emotion is weakness, we boldly declare, chin high; indulging in another cigarette, another warm body, another bottle, another toke. it may take another form: another award, another medal, another extra-curricular activity, another peso earned. we think that as long as we’re in our cozy little nook of self-protection, we’re okay.

and then we realize that there’s something empty, missing. like there’s this big black void in the middle of our chests wanting to be filled. that in spite of everything we ever wanted, and more, we’re incomplete. we’re at the absolute end of our rope, already on the road to complete destruction, to the highway of no return…

and then he knocks at the door of your heart and asks you, very gently,

child, may i come in?

you’re taken aback, not expecting such an introduction. questions flood your mind. who is this? where did this come from?  how did he…? you open the door a crack, instinctively blocking the intrusion. the glimmer of light almost blinds you; you cover your eyes, not used to the bright. you blink and realize that the light wasn’t so blinding at all.

you open the door and he stands in front of you. you can’t explain it. you try to figure it out, more questions want to be asked, but somehow, somehow…you give in. the answers are not needed.

what is important is the here and the now. this moment.

there’s a gentle tug at your heart as he touches your face gently. you ask if this is still real. you’re amazed at the gentleness that you never knew existed. the gentleness that you’ve always wanted but never seemed to have.

peace. it was a word alien to you. it was something you deemed impossible, daunting;  laughable, even. yet it was present at that very moment, at that such time. the creases smoothed out, the rough corners smoothened. the heart of stone was turning into a heart of flesh.

it was more than peace. it was love.

so this is what love is like, you surmise. after searching for it so ardently, so arduously, it found you. it found its way to you. you look up and see the face gazing tenderly at yours. you couldn’t imagine how those eyes could stand seeing your form, your hardened features, the bruises outside and in.

but they were. looking at you with such love. like you were this prized work of art. and you felt like you were never hurt, addicted, inflicted pain. it was intoxicating, only the rush wasn’t fake, wasn’t bound to fade and make you hit the ground head-first. it was…

amazing.

it was at that moment you knew, you were confident, your mind and heart and soul agreed that you needed him to be whole. it wasn’t going to be about you. it was going to be him. he would fix you more than you could ever imagined.

and as cheesy as you know it would sound, you know that your life would never be the same again. love and peace and joy seemed so alien, until now.

now, that you have everything you ever needed…

you are free.

• when i grow older, i don’t want to be a clingy girlfriend/wife.
• i don’t want to have a kid who has to compete with anything just to get my attention.
• i don’t want to bend over backwards and do reverse spinning kicks just to receive affirmation from others. okay, this is too much Tekken… but you get my drift.
• i don’t want to be a hypocrite, saying things and doing otherwise.
• i don’t want to live for the here and now any longer. nor live in the distant past, when it’s all been done. my choices now will definitely affect my future.

saturday: attended kristel’s birthday party after work. she just turned eighteen! there wasn’t any of the fancy stuff eighteenth-birthday-parties usually have. we had dinner, jokes, and nerdy conversations. also got to bond with eca, who made a very interesting proposal. of course i said yes.

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sunday: t’was super rainy. i got to hang out with the girls, too, after the longest time. i usually  had to cancel our sunday afternoon hangouts because of consecutive meetings. we finally got to hang out for the first time in a looooooong time.

after service i took my nephew iñigo home and went back to the mall to have dinner with friends. everyone ended up going home save for armin and mark. while waiting for armin to finish working, mark and i talked more geek stuff.

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things happened last sunday that made me realize i should firm up on things. as armin said, i needed to grow fangs. they did. slightly. no more miss nice karess.

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monday: ventured to cubao alone to do some stuff for work. it was greatly fun. i was never much of an urban commuter growing up and thankfully i did not get lost.

iñigo didn’t go to school because of the storm. i did laundry and in between soakings i would read (or attempt to do so) and play Tekken Dark Resurrection on Iñigo’s PSP. azuka kazama rocks my socks.

that night, i cooked brown rice and i put in too much water, making it look uber mushy. while waiting for it to dry iñigo commented that it looked like vomit. that was my first real laugh for the entire day